Post 243: Twilight

Stardate:70623.1900
Title: Twilight
Author: Jariel Camen
Scene: Bajor/Independence
Time: Hours After Daybreak

Marianne Rodgers watched as in the distance the Bajoran sun would soon be setting. It has been almost 12 hours since the call came in from the ship calling teams back up, and almost two hours since the Independence had indicated they were the last two that needed to be transported to the ship.

Rodgers waited patiently, translating for Jariel Camen as he addressed the group of about 20 survivors that crowded around him. Camen could sense her desire to complete this mission and return home.

[[Just a few more minutes, I promise.]] he kept signing to her, as a few more minutes turned into hours. Camen knew in any other circumstance he would most likely have been ordered to simply prepare for transport whether he was ready or not, but he knew circumstances being what they were, with Zanh Liis in command, that she would wait for them to call her and not the other way around.

Camen found himself listening as much as speaking. These people were in shock, afraid, even angry and needed reassurance. He couldn't just leave them that quickly. He couldn't just abandon them.

"Why did this happen?" "Where are we going to get food?" "How come she died and I'm still alive? It should have been me instead."

Camen did the best he could to calm their fears and ease their sorrow. In particular the survivor's guilt broke his heart. He was determined not to offer anyone the "fluff" answers that so many Vedeks gave in times like these. Such as "The Prophets needed another voice in the Celestial Temple." He was not going to insult anyone's intelligence or make up some condescending benefaction to serve as a band aid to their oncoming grief.

[[You cannot blame yourself for surviving. There is no order or sense to what happens under the cloak of chaos. Some of us live and some of us die merely due to being in the wrong place at the wrong time.]]

Camen read the faces of those in the crowd. Some indeed looked angered at his words, but he knew in time they would have to come to accept that neither storms nor Prophets hand picked their victims or survivors. It may not have been what they wanted to hear, but they needed to hear it, because if they did not, when the real grief set in, they would never be able to handle it.

In time they would return to the Temple, and their faith would hold their hand as they walked towards recovery. What he did not want was the Prophets to become the crutch they leaned on to cope, without ever learning to stand on their own again.

[[Darkness is coming children, you should move to the shelters now.]] Camen bowed to the group, as they began to disperse. Some stepped forward to bow back to him, others left shaking their heads, disappointed they were not given the simple piece of spiritual candy they had hoped for.

[[I'm ready Marianne.]]

"Rodgers to Independence."

[Zanh here, go ahead.] Rodgers was taken aback how quickly Acting Captain Zanh Liis answered the call, and the fact she answered it personally.

"We are ready to return to the ship."

[Both of you?]

"Yes, of course."

[Very good. Stand by for transport.]

Jariel Camen could hear the relief in Liis' voice upon hearing they would both be returning. She must have wondered in the last few hours if he had had second thoughts about staying behind for Bajor to help in the recovery.

As the Independence beamed them up, Camen thought of all the faces, living and dead he had seen in the last 4 days. Bajor had years, if not decades, of work ahead to recover from what had happened. The real work was still ahead of them. Camen materialized back aboard ship, and turned to Rodgers.

[[Thank you so much for being my voice the last few days. I could not have done what I did for them without you.]]

They parted company and Camen underwent the standard decontamination and debriefing procedures. Finally he was released to his quarters where he stood in a hot water shower for a good hour, sobbing softly to himself as all he had been through finally caught up with him.

He felt his stomach growl and felt some of that twisting survivor guilt of his own as he thought to himself "What right do I have to eat a beautiful meal aboard this beautiful ship when so many below will be eating rations tonight, if anything at all."

He pulled himself together and dressed.

He tapped the replicator ordering a Plook root soup. It was a simple Bajoran soup consisting or a bitter root boiled to create the Plook root broth. No meat or vegetables. It was an unpleasant dish, but nutritious. Camen was really not in the mood to eat anything more extravagant, but he knew he couldn't starve himself out of guilt either.

As he took his first sip the doors to the quarters opened. Zanh Liis stepped through, in a rush.

"Oh, here you are."

[[You could have used the computer to find me.]]

"I didn't want to invade your privacy."

Camen returned to his soup. Liis sat down at the table across from him.

"What was it like?"

[[It was horrific.]]

Liis did not know exactly what to say. It was quiet for a few minutes, and Camen sipped his soup.

"I... I don't know how much longer we are to remain at Bajor..."

[[Have you gotten orders yet?]]

"Not yet, but any time now I'm sure so," Liis took a deep breath, feeling her palms becoming wet with perspiration as she dreaded what she was about to say. "So... if you need to stay behind, I need to know now."

[[Do you think I should stay?]]

[[Do you want to?]] Liis now signed back to him, too nervous to speak out loud.

[[So much suffering... I've never seen anything like it Liis.]]

Liis felt her stomach turn. [[I knew I shouldn't have asked you to go. I'm sorry.]]

[[No, please. You did the right thing. I hurt right now, I won't lie to you, but its nothing compared to those below. I don't know how long it will take me to move past the things I saw, to return to normal, but I know I had to accept that pain into my life to help our people. If you hadn't asked me to go I would have volunteered.]]

[[You never answered my question.]]

[[Do I want to stay behind?]]

She nodded, and looked away for a moment.

[[Bajor has the help it needs. From the Federation doctors and engineers, and the Vedek orders, planetside. They will begin to recover now. As for me, my place is here.]] He reached across the table and took her hand squeezing it before continuing. [[This is where I belong, here with you, I know that one thing for sure.]]

"OK." she found her voice again and smiled a bit for the first time since entering the room. "I need to get back to the bridge, there are loose ends still to tie up."

Camen bid her farewell. He hadn't told her the greatest factor in his decision to stay. Perhaps he was a bit shy but he didn't want her to leave the room thinking the only reason he was leaving Bajor is because he didn't want to disappoint her. He tapped his spoon on the table to get her attention and she stopped and turned in the doorway.

"Yes, Jariel?"

[[...and, I need to stay on the ship because I just can't be without you right now, Zanh Liis.]]

"As soon as Salvek has a chance to rest, I'll be back."

He smiled for the first time at days, as she left. Camen was suddenly aware of the weight of his eyelids. He pushed away the last few bites of his soup, and vaguely remembered his head hitting the pillow, as sleep overtook him.

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Vedek Jariel Camen
Civilian/Chaplain
USS Independence