Post 533: Reality and Guilt

Stardate: 701030.0759
Title: Reality and Guilt
Author: Ensign Xhian
Scene:Personal Quarters/Various
Time: After "Walking Away" and Before "Preparations"
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~Personal Quarters~

As long as anyone has known Xhian, he has always had a very hard time understanding his place in the universe- even questioning his own identity and existence.

He still questions what he really is, and his purpose in general. But many of these doubts he keeps secret, even from Ella Briggs, for fear that he may lose her or that she may not understand.

So, he deals with these feelings alone, by expressing them in a lot of his art work. Poems, songs and other crafts which he is mostly known for, and at the same time seems to be the only thing to give him some sort of peace of mind, and at times, a little bit of clarity.

But recently, as others walk by Xhian's quarters, they can't help noticing the music emanating from them seem to be a lot darker in nature and at times highly depressing- almost like a cry for help.

On the floor at his left hand side, he looks at the plans of the Alchemy, and starts to think to himself, *If I hadn't been pursuing my own personal...*

He catches himself before he could finish. *I could have looked over the plans for each system, and made suggestions to Salvek for how to fix each one especially. . ." Again, he catches himself. Emotions overtaking him, Xhian finally screams out loud.

"WHY?"

The word embodies all of his frustrations as he knocks over a vase, shattering it, and begins shedding tears.

Hearing the noise, Xhian's friend Stratton rushes in to investigate, only to see Xhian crying and repeating the words, "It's my fault! It's all my fault!"

"What's your fault, Xhian?"

"I shouldn't have these damn emotions! Maybe the crew would be safer without me having them! I wish I could just shut them off inside my head or eradicate them. What the hell is wrong with me?"

"Xhian, let's talk, buddy. I'm here to listen." Ben Stratton answered, "Let's go down to Seven for a drink."

Xhian looked at Stratton, and wiped his eyes. He got up from his chair without speaking, and followed Ben out into the hall.

As Xhian exited his quarters, he found a few people staring at him due to the shouting earlier. Ben Stratton waved them along with a 'nothing to see here' stare, and turned back to Xhian.

"Okay, buddy, if you try to tell me one more time that nothing is bothering you, I'm going to punch you out, drag you to Sickbay and have the EMH do a full work up on that nano-probed, emotion-chipped brain of yours." Stratton said as they made their way toward Seven.

Xhian looked at him sideways, knowing that it was a joke but at the same time, knowing that he cared and that he might just try it.

As the two got to the entry way of Seven, Xhian looked at Stratton and started to pout a little.

As the two were seated, Xhian started to talk for the first time about how he has felt since he's been on the ship. He talked about things that have gone on, and at times it seems that the only thing he is known for is his crafts, the fact that he was Borg and that he seems to be a bit of a misfit. Even more so, he feels, than self-proclaimed misfits T'Ana and Grace, both of whom he once had feelings for.

"Wow. I see. Go on." Stratton urged Xhian to continue.

"Then there is Ella. I'm not sure why she likes me so much."

"Maybe because your the only one who won't tell her she talks too much."

Xhian looked at Stratton with cold eyes as Stratton smiled and held up his hands. "Just kidding, Xhian."

For hours they talked, ate, and drank until Xhian finally broached the topic that was really bothering him: the Alchemy mission.

How all that had happened was his fault. He didn't follow through in making suggestions to Salvek about the sensors, therefore the crash was his fault.

Stratton looked at Xhain for a long moment, and finally asked,"Question. Would you send a blind man to scout ahead?"

"No. Of course not. But what does that have to do with-"

"Look, this was a test flight. Things like that happen. Besides, it wasn't just the sensors, Xhian. The Yensuli gave us inaccurate data about the space surrounding their planet, because they were concealing the truth about their fifth 'moon'," Ben made quotation marks in the air with his fingers. "As weak as the sensors on Alchemy were, if you'd had accurate data for your flight plan the crash never would have occurred. If fault lies anywhere, it's with the Yensuli. The rest was just bad luck."

Xhian never looked at it that way at all. "So, I've been in the dumps for nothing?"

As Xhain said that, he heard a voice from behind say, "Yup!"

When he looked back, he saw the smiling face of Ella Briggs.

Xhain stared at her as she stood there and only said, "I'm sorry."

"I understand you more then you think, Xhian. I just wish you talk to me, too." She answered softly. "You have people to talk to you know, people who care about you. But you've got to let us in."

Xhian finally smiled and stood up, pulling out a chair at their table for Ella to sit in. "Next round is on me."

The three talked and laughed together until last call, not caring that they had early duty shift in the morning.

Times like this were worth giving up sleep for.

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Ensign Xhian
Engineering Officer
USS Independence NCC-90791