Stardate: 70602.2300
Title: Do or Die
Author: RJ Gilmore
Scene: Sickbay
Time: After "Fight or Flight" by Lt. Grace
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The aftermath of his encounter with the Borg had left so many more scars on him than he wanted to admit. Internal scars, the kind that could only be seen by those who really tried to find the true heart of him beneath his brash and angry manner.
Diane had tried. She tried for years, with such devotion. But in the end, she had lost him. Just as surely as if that drone on the Fearless had plunged its barbed tentacle into him and taken him over by means of nanoprobes and brainwashing.
She never could reach him, she said. At least she'd cared to try. For five long years, she tried, until one day he finally found her standing in the doorway with a small suitcase in each hand and sorrow in her eyes. She couldn't get to him, and he lost her just as he'd lost himself. Their marriage became another casualty of the war.
In the netherworld between sleep and waking, RJ Gilmore had once again found his deepest level of hell.
He might have killed her, and that wounded him more deeply than he wanted to admit. February was so young and naive. Very inexperienced and so trusting. She knew so little of life, of how dark and desperate things can get when you have tunnel vision and all you can see is the past. How could she have any faith in him at all? With all the years of experience of that other lifeform she carried around, you would think somehow she'd know better.
Then there was little Lily. Not so little anymore. RJ had to fight the urge to see her as a child still. As that tiny five year old being scolded by her mother for spilling tea on the carpet.
He'd always had a soft spot for her, and she knew it. Having no children of his own, he found it almost unbearable when she looked at him with the adoring eyes of a daughter and asked him to something that he didn't believe he was capable of.
He was so tired. For years, exhausted. There was no where he could go to escape the horrors of what he had seen, and he was ready to be at peace and sleep, for good.
They would recover. The resilience of youth would see them through. They would remember him as something more than he actually believed he was, and perhaps that was the best way for him to leave this life. Loved in memory, rather than letting the truth of what he'd become slowly wear away the affection that anyone might still have for him.
It would be peaceful. He would feel calm, something he hadn't felt in years. He was truly accepting that this was his time to die. On his terms, letting the heart that he'd been born with be the one with which he left this world.
"What's it to be, Captain?" Dr. McBrayne echoed Samantha Hain's question. She elevated the head of Gilmore's bed, so that he could look out into the waiting room. She wanted him to see what was happening there.
Lily T'Ana had returned from the staff meeting, and she and Lt. Grace were holding hands, crying. Quietly, with dignity, but crying just the same.
Several other members of the crew had assembled there also, some stopping in before they were scheduled to leave for the planet, thought Gilmore had no knowledge of that fact. They didn't know if their Captain would be alive when they returned, and they wanted him to know that he had their respect, and support.
McBrayne gestured toward the growing crowd outside. "Do you choose to walk away? Or do you choose to recover, and lead them as Starfleet intended?"
He sighed, and looked at the ceiling. He gestured toward the waiting room. "Bring Lily in." he requested, and Samantha moved away to summon her.
Lily looked up as the nurse called her name, and squeezed February's hand before following Hain back to Gilmore's bedside.
"Uncle?" Lily questioned, afraid of what she was going to hear next.
"You're just going to have to accept it." he rasped. "You're going to have to put up with me meddling in your life for a long time to come."
It took a moment for the meaning to sink in to Lily's tired and weary mind, but when it did, tears fell down her face once more. She threw her arms around him.
Not knowing if Lily was overcome with relief or saying her last goodbyes, Lt. Grace hurried into the room uninvited. She skidded to a stop next to the bed and began to wring her hands nervously.
"You both will." Gilmore added, looking over Lily's shoulder at the Trill and nodding to her.
"Doctor, let's get this over with."
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RJ Gilmore
Commanding Officer
USS Independence