Stardate: 70921.1130
Title: When You Knew Better
Author: =/\= Zanh Liis
Scene: Quarters
Time: A short while after "Goodbye, Yellow Brick Road"
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"You did then what you knew how to do, and when you knew better, you did better." ~Maya Angelou
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Zanh Liis considered crying to be a pointless exercise, and only gave in to it when her body absolutely refused her any other option.
It took a specific, potent cocktail of frustration, exhaustion, and despair to wear her down to the point where tears prevailed over her will to prevent them. When they did, she always did her best to be sure no one had any knowledge of the event, and that it ended the instant she could gather up the strength to stop it.
She wiped furiously at the corners of her eyes with the cuff of her uniform sleeve, and picked Jariel's parcel up from the table once more. She held it an instant and then, as if it were on fire, dropped it again and pulled her hands back.
She couldn't read them.
She prepared to stand, then stopped. She picked the package up once more, tore open the edge and looked inside. She regarded the stack of seemingly innocent letters, tied together with string. They may as well have been sticks of dynamite, she thought, for the power that they always had to reduce her to rubble.
She removed them and turned the bundle over in her hands.
His letters were always written on real paper, with a quill and ink that dated back centuries. She knew this because she'd seen him use the writing implement in question before.
Jariel believed that technology should never try to take the place of a living hand and caring heart. He practiced this belief in his ministry, in the way he tended his plants, and the way he wrote love letters.
Without thinking, she loosened the string that held the letters together.
She knew if she opened them she'd be sorry. But if she didn't the curiosity might drive her the rest of the way over the edge. He wanted her to read them. So she'd read them.
She was so used to hearing the sound of his voice in her head, reciting the words as if he were whispering into her ear as she went along. But it had been so long since she'd heard his voice now, it took a moment before she could remember the way it sounded. That troubled her. She didn't want to ever forget the sound of that voice.
She picked the third envelope from the top of the stack and pulled out the thin, nearly transparent sheets. She flipped to page four of this particular letter and started reading a random sentence.
"What good is living if you're lost to me, far away somewhere across the stars? I'd pay any price the Prophets or destiny asked in return if I could be with you now. I wish you could believe that."
She put that letter back and chose another. Again, she randomly selected a sentence.
"If I could only explain to you how I understand now. What the Prophets have shown me. Your lives. Our lives. There is so much I need to ask you, to talk over with you. If I had the chance I'd make you see that we should never be apart by choice again. Come what may."
She rose from the couch and looked at herself in the mirror positioned on the opposite wall. She reminded herself that she wasn't the only one who had sacrificed for the sake of their relationship. He'd risked his life too- making a deal with his gods, whoever they really were, that Liis still couldn't understand or believe.
Maybe it was them, maybe it was their mystical Orbs, who knew. But somehow, he had gained knowledge of all they'd been through in the different branches of time in which they'd lived. Even after learning all that, he still chose to throw in his lot with hers.
"He knew what he was doing, coming here, and so did you. No more doubts." She told herself sternly. "No more fear."
She began to analyze the shards of glass from the shattered decanter that were crunching into the deck beneath her boots. She realized that she had never seen Jariel quite that angry before. She knew his anger was based in his fear for her health and sanity- he knew how much damage she could do to herself if she set her mind to it.
She made a promise to herself that she would do what she had to do, to be certain that she would never inspire that particular kind of fear in him again.
"You know better," she shook her head, reprimanding herself aloud. "So act like it."
She set about cleaning up the mess she'd made, and after awhile her com badge chirped from its current location on the floor. She picked it up, blew shimmering glass dust off of it, and answered.
"Zanh."
[Did I wake you, ZL?] the doctor asked hopefully.
"Um, sure yeah. Whatever you say, doc."
McKenna sighed. [Well since you're already awake, you'll be glad to know that Captain Gilmore is also wide awake and doing very well post-op.]
"Thrilled to hear it, DM. So when can I expect to give him back his chair?"
Zanh had hoped that through some miracle, he'd be well enough to handle the Yensuli, and she'd get to spend their time in that system chasing after Salvek's new toy instead of squirming at a negotiation table.
[He's agreed with me that it would be a good idea if he used up his accumulated shore leave and visited Earth while we run this errand to Yensul. Since the trip to Trill really didn't turn out to be much of a vacation after all. I've arranged for a medical shuttle to take him back to the planet, just to be safe, instead of beaming him back. He said he'd like a quick word with you, before he goes.]
"Oh, swell." she tried to mask her disappointment. "Time until departure?"
[About two hours.]
"I'll get there soon. Thanks, DM. Zanh out."
She thought that she'd heard her door chime ring as she spoke, but was uncertain until the noise repeated once more. She gave the order to release the doors. She didn't look up, but she recognized the cadence of the approaching footsteps immediately.
It was Chief of Operations, TC Blane.
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=/\= Zanh Liis
Acting Commanding Officer
USS Independence NCC-90791